Lost

I had promised myself that I would not pull My Baby Sister into this journey.
She has enough to deal with.
It could not be helped, I accepted an invitation to a colleague’s social.
I hate these things.
I needed her to shield me from questions because all I wanted to talk about was how I regretted telling T. Nielsen almost everything.
Such a coward.
I wanted to convince her to make an entry into my journal.
I was hurting.
Usually I am suave, smooth & subtle but she had already been so generous with me about her own personal life.
I got confused.
By the end of the night, je was tell me for the umpteenth time that I cannot constantly put myself in these situation where I am so F-ed Up, lost and broken; I literally beg for a force of nature embodied in a person to re-focus me.
I was drunk, senseless.
I did not want her to know her indestructible brother was falling apart inside.
I left.
Je was editing my presentation paper, jelling my thoughts.
Naturally my thoughts on Nielsen.
It is wrong for me to pull another stranger in my fragile state, place her in a helpless position to help me.
And have her hate me for what I have already done on this journey.

I have been thinking an awful lot about the girl that almost drowned me several birthdays ago.
This dark journey.
My need to end all this with closure and the return of my innocence.
A recipient for the journal.
It is already pricelessly valuable and I am only half way through.
I did not even fight to hold on the last time.
Must return to the water, many many laps to sort all this stuff out.