Lost

I had promised myself that I would not pull My Baby Sister into this journey.
She has enough to deal with.
It could not be helped, I accepted an invitation to a colleague’s social.
I hate these things.
I needed her to shield me from questions because all I wanted to talk about was how I regretted telling T. Nielsen almost everything.
Such a coward.
I wanted to convince her to make an entry into my journal.
I was hurting.
Usually I am suave, smooth & subtle but she had already been so generous with me about her own personal life.
I got confused.
By the end of the night, je was tell me for the umpteenth time that I cannot constantly put myself in these situation where I am so F-ed Up, lost and broken; I literally beg for a force of nature embodied in a person to re-focus me.
I was drunk, senseless.
I did not want her to know her indestructible brother was falling apart inside.
I left.
Je was editing my presentation paper, jelling my thoughts.
Naturally my thoughts on Nielsen.
It is wrong for me to pull another stranger in my fragile state, place her in a helpless position to help me.
And have her hate me for what I have already done on this journey.

I have been thinking an awful lot about the girl that almost drowned me several birthdays ago.
This dark journey.
My need to end all this with closure and the return of my innocence.
A recipient for the journal.
It is already pricelessly valuable and I am only half way through.
I did not even fight to hold on the last time.
Must return to the water, many many laps to sort all this stuff out.

the Trio

Making good a promise to an artist.

We should be

by right

i'm

- he

Rockwell

I. When we are together, you force me to realize just how tightly wound I have my public persona.

II. Long for the day I can be vulnerable in your presence.

III. Shuck, what exact and extraordinary control :)

Red

I ran a Red last evening.
Nearly hit someone from behind;
nearly got sideswiped on my side

Now i am no good to anyone.

Pulled away from the last two people capable of pulling me off my journey

Now, now i am nothing

Thanx for giving me compassion
Thanks for listening
You'll still allow me to drop you the occasional notecard?, thank you.

A Memorial Day card
-- do they sell those?
Sorry, i am Sin-ical.

"Rules & responsibilities: these are the ties that bind us. We do what we do because of who we are. If we did otherwise, we would not be ourselves.
I will do what i have to do." ~ Neil Gaiman, Sandman vol. 9 (comic)

Art

Allow me to share art with you.
i cannot do so otherwise without you.
you enable me.
you have always inspired me.

A Muse -Ing.

My intent is to leave art again by your next B-day.
i will burn-out.
The last time i left it took me just under a decade + half to return; Forever?
i'm tired.

The journey

I like caring about you.

Right/Wrong, i needed to know you need me to care.

I made a mistake.

I do care; enough to risk everything to draw you closer.

Forgive me,
I miss you.